Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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