Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
