I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
