god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
