So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
