I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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