You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
