I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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