Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize