Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
