maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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