Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
