god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
