so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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