Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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