Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
