Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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