Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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