yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
