and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
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Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
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official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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