Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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