I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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