Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
