May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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