so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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