And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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