I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
