Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
