Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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