I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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