Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
