I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
