Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
