fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
