Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
