Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
