Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
