i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
People with herpes should wear stickers.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
