oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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