I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
