I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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