We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
