Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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