I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
