just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel