I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!