Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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