I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
