mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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