lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
