Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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