Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
