It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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