my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
