New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
