my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
