She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize