Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
