was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
