I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
