Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
