My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
