I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
