How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
