I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize